I am Black....I am Black 'N' Deadly

Hi Readers,

From now on, I will be starting a dairy that has thoughts, poems, songs, reviews, different things that is on my mind. I will try to post everyday but maybe take a break every now and then.

Well, first things first, I am 20 years old, and I weigh around 140 kgs...I don't know how much that is in pounds but I am guessing a lot.

I have always had trouble with my body and my weight. Growing up, I would turn to food as my family life was a little complicated.

My father was in the Army and was treated like shit. I can remember the anger he felt and how his past life haunted him. Don't get me wrong, I love my father but every now and then I wonder if his life in the army made him not capable to love me. He would keep to himself and he would show no signs indicating that he did.

I know that some people reading this might go "Oh you poor little girl, grow up!" but there are many teenagers, kids, young adults...people that don't know if their parents love them or not. I know that my dad is capable of loving, he's got three other kids whom I adore but I still wonder if he still loves me too.

Since I thought that my father was incapable of loving, which I don't anymore because I know that he does (I still wonder though) but at the time, I turned to food and basically became a bitch. As I grew older, I also grew bigger in size until now, I became well overweight.

But from now on, I am going to start losing it. I know that many people say this but for me, I have to. I have three siblings, one sister and two brothers and I know that I want t be in there livesa and the way I am going now, I will be dead. But I don't want that and so, I am making a goal to 70 kgs and then audition for NIDA, which is the National Institute for Dramaitc Arts, which is a college in Sydney, Australia and only the known actors have gone. People such as Cat Blanchett and Greogory Rush attended there and it is my dream to become the first Aboriginal/hearing impaired actress to win an Oscar...

It is good to have a dream...It allows you to focus on something good and lets you have peace from all the bad memories. I have a lot of dreams; to be an actress, a writer, to have a published novel, to be a singer and to be thin and healthy. I don't care about my looks, but I do care about being healthy and that is why I'm going to lose weight.

I just have to find that will power and cut out all my favourite foods in my life. I love cooking and so maybe trying new recipes and posting them will help me on my path to a healthier me.

I need to do this...I want to be in the brothers and sister's life and I am killing myself, eating everyday and not doing anything about it.

Maybe posting a blog and telling the world about my day will help me be inspired. I truly hope so...

Also, it is good to have a blog...it let's you take things off your mind...

Anyway, I hope you, the readers, can join me as I post blogs and tell the world about my day, my feelings, the various poems/stories I write...

Please fell free to comment and if you have any recipes, do tell. I really do love cooking and I am willing to try anything!

Until next Blog, Cheers from Australia