I am Black....I am Black 'N' Deadly

Livin' On A Prayer...

It has been ages since I began posting in this blog and I think I started this blog as some sort of recipe/ movie review and a dairy to hide everything. But so much has changed…more so me if anything. The reason this post is named after an 80's song is because I love this song and it suits me...at least for now

Lately, well for a while now, I have been living in this bubble, like a dark bubble that has no hole for air and I can’t breathe. What has happened to make me feel like this? Well many things but I’m the reason. I am the reason that I am such in this bubble and why I am feeling so dark. It’s like I am stuck in rut with no way out. Like I’m behind a wall and happiness and love is on the other side and all I have to is climb but for some reason I can’t. Am I scared or am I just stuck?

Some days I feel worthless and I can’t find a way to be of use and it sucks. Sometimes I think it’s better to be gone instead of being here. Like remove myself from the situation and everyone would be better off without me.

So why am I writing this blog? Because I need someone to talk to. I do have someone, a therapist named Chloe who I am seeing at a program called Headspace. I have only had one session with her and she is nice, but the thing I need to do is take step two.

Step two is making the choice to the second session. Step two is the choice to do something about your life. Step two is a scary part but it’s a part that will help you on your way to climbing that wall. Step two is writing a blog.

Why write a blog and tell a bunch of strangers about your feelings or about the fact that you feel nothing and you are worth it? Because it’s even harder to tell family. I mean, I have friends but I only tell them what I want to tell them and I then I lie to the subject off me.

Lying is a whole different ballgame. I lie so often and I wish to stop. Start being honest instead of having to lie to keep myself hidden. Lying creates problems after problems and sometimes I wish that it would just stop and go away but it doesn’t. Lying, for lack of a better word, sucks.

At the moment, I have a million thoughts going through my mind and all I want is for it to shut up. But it doesn’t. It’s like a never-ending bubble of thoughts, things and much more going around and around in your head and its no wonder I’m nuts.

Then the main thought comes back and its saying to me, ‘are you worth it?’ Am I worth the hassle, the worry, the everything? Am I worth it? Chloe seems to think so…my family seems to think so. But it never gets through.

Also why now? Back when I was 18, I was a drama queen. I would do anything to gain attention and now, I’m shying away from it, like I don’t want the attention. I don’t want people to worry about me, I don’t want the hassle. Somedays I think I will be better if I left and never came back, away from everything.

But the problems follow…they will always follow.

Why the blog? Because I need to talk…